5 Absolutely Hilarious News Captions That Will Make You Ugly Laugh

We eliminated so many hilarious photos in the process of choosing favorites for this article. Some great contenders that wound up on the cutting room floor included a veteran of World War II,
a woman who glued herself to a Walmart toilet, a racist sandwich (it was PB&J) and a prison inmate who overdosed on underwear, among others.
So, let’s cut the jibba-jabba and get right to the task at hand: here are 15 hilarious news captions that will make you ugly laugh.

If we didn’t know that David Davis was in the midst of getting a haircut at the time his mugshot was taken, we’d have no idea this ‘do was accidental. In fact, we don’t want to believe this coiffure is anything but intentional. It’s on trend with the asymmetric styles seen of late in hemlines, zig-zag hair parts and squiggly lines or feathers for eyebrows. We want to think that a hair designer or sculptor came up with this masterwork of yin yang follicles. The shorter side suggests the light and joy of life while the right-sided pouf of black cloud-like hair confronts us as a random and uncombed representation of the darker forces of the world. Wow, that’s deep. Davis belongs in a museum, not a mugshot.
"And he shall be named Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop…"
…after his grandfather and his father, so that makes him Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, III. (Pronounced “The Third”.) Since his name is quite a mouthful, we’ll shorten it. There are too many possibilities here for nicknames. We can use: “Beez,” “Beezow,” “Doo-Doo,” “Zo,” “Pittybop” or “Bop-Bop.” Truth is, none of the BDDZBB’s in our family learned to spell their full names until they graduated college.
In reality, this guy was born “Jeffrey Wilschke” and changed his name to “Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop” in 2011. While there are just so many questions here, and while we wonder what this new name means to Beezow because we can’t even venture a guess, we especially wonder about those two extra “Bops” at the end. They just seem redundant.

Did Gary foresee his great hair day on TLC?
There are upsides to wearing your hair like Gary Spivey. We know it’s hard to imagine what those might be but hear us out: if you wore your hair like Gary you would never need to comb your hair and no one would ever, ever forget meeting you. The memory of first sighting such a cottony cloud-like coiffure would be seared in anyone’s mind forever. In fact, Gary Spivey, Psychic Medium, Healer’s scalp transcends mere hair. In place of lowly follicles like the rest of us have, Gary’s magical noggin sprouts the stuff of clouds: he has white, cottony cumulus-like densely arranged fluff where his hair should grow—which also happens to resemble what our lint traps collect after we’ve finished many loads of laundry.

Cheetos attack
Who knew bags of Cheetos could be used as weapons? Is the arms industry aware of this latest intelligence? Perhaps we should draw the Pentagon’s attention to this bombshell. Arming first lines of defense with Cheetos isn’t the worst idea we’ve ever heard. Not only can these bags of cheesy goodness be launched as missiles, but they naturally disguise themselves as innocent snacks. The enemy might see tanks loaded with Cheetos bags and never suspect that these were the latest weapons of war; they’d just think these were shipments designed to feed hungry couch potato civilians from coast to coast. The bonus of arming the troops with Cheetos is, of course, that should they get hungry, their newest weapon also doubles as a handy snack.
Alan Moore’s credentials are a real mixed bag
Alan Moore’s a highly regarded English writer known primarily for his comic books and graphic novels. His works have inspired Hollywood films such as From Hell, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and V For Vendetta, for example.
Moore’s the kind of guy where, just based on the above image of him captured from the BBC, you know he’s an eccentric type. According to Wikipedia, when an interviewer visited Moore’s home back in 2001 they described his “unassuming terraced” Northampton abode as: “something like an occult bookshop under permanent renovation, with records, videos, magical artefacts and comic-book figurines strewn among shelves of mystical tomes and piles of paper…This is clearly a man who spends little time on the material plane." Uh-huh. We already kind of gathered that.

No time for jibba-jabba
Mr. T became internationally known back in the 1980s when he starred as Rocky’s rival Clubber Lang in Rocky III. He also had a regular role on the popular television series The A-Team. Mr. T made something of a reality show comeback more than 20 years later in 2006 when he had his own reality showed called I Pity The Fool, named after the catchphrase he repeatedly used as Clubber Lang when trash talking Rocky. Clubber also told reporters he had “no time for jibba-jabba” when they started asking dumb questions (because he had to train and muscle up to punch Rocky out, of course).
We’re not normally grammar Nazis but for future reference (*ahem* CNN news caption typist): it’s “pities the fool,” not “pitys.”
5 Absolutely Hilarious News Captions That Will Make You Ugly Laugh 5 Absolutely Hilarious News Captions That Will Make You Ugly Laugh Reviewed by 1 on April 12, 2018 Rating: 5
Powered by Blogger.