The line is really blurred between Internet life and real life. It’s like how adults would refer to the real world when you were in middle school; isn’t school the real world, too?
(Also, that was mostly in reference to why you should learn totally useless math skills so that phrase might be totally useless.) And isn’t it still real life if you vicariously cried for someone who lived through such agonizing awkwardness that it’s a miracle they even survived? And is that moment really ever over if it lives on through the Internet or is in some dimension for forever and ever? That person will have to relive that moment and cry pure, unironic tears for as long as they live. Personally, I think what’s awkward will never die, especially when we tweet about it.



The Worst Trip
Sucking anyone's finger is… a heck of a thing to do. Most days, if you sucked someone else’s finger at any point during the day, and are old enough to be conscious of your actions, that suck was probably the most notable thing you did. Regardless of whether that person wants you to suck their finger or not, it’s a bold move. You just can’t forgettably suck someone else’s finger (or really, your own if it’s in public) or suck another adult’s finger in a super mundane way. Sucking someone else’s finger is exactly the opposite of saying “excuse me”; you never do it automatically and it’s always worthy of note. So when it’s embarrassing, it’s super duper embarrassing. Like when it’s your dentist and you just suckled from a (I hope) latex covered hand.
There's Such A Thing As Dumb Questions
This would have been so much more interesting if it turned out this barber just gives haircuts for fun. Or what if he wasn’t even a barber, just a guy with scissors that snuck in and was pretending. Whether it’s a misplaced act of altruism or because this barber is a secret billionaire, it’s a little sad that this situation was just a dumb question and not a super weird entrance into a whole different spin off story. Anyway, there’s really no way to seriously prove you’re not paying attention to the person in front of you or the situation in general, like asking that kind of question. The awkwardness isn’t just in the stupidity of the question, but how obviously you’re just on autopilot in that moment.



When It Still Hurts To Think About
If you made an audible sound of pain reading that, you’re not alone. Woof. There are some moments where you’re like, “ooooh, woof” and some moments that are just wooooooooooof. That doesn’t make sense; the awkwardness of this all has momentarily paralyzed my brain, so I can only speak in super emphatic dog noises. Uh, yeah, this family definitely had bigger issues at hand than a dumb thing a funeral attendee said. Dumb remarks leave this aftertaste of shame and self-hatred that’s really difficult to wash out. It's like telling the people who work at movie theaters to enjoy the movie, when they obviously can't. At least liquor and/or water can wash away the taste of sour milk or an icky cheese, but dumb comments… that taste never leaves the memory.
In That Order
Yeah, I’m super calm when I’m not freaking out — and I’m freaking out all the time but other than that — I’m good. I’m a super smiley, laid back chill kinda gal when I’m not crying in a grocery store while toddlers side eye me. All the time that I’m not screaming in my car, cowering in alleyways (not because I was robbed, but because I fled there to cower), and dry heaving. I’m like, really cool. The punctuation and spacing on this tweet is a little confusing, but that’s what happens when you live your life while constantly crying. There’s some mistakes, of course. Grammar is a small price to pay for ejecting your tears into an unfeeling world which will never validate you but will judge you.


When You Try To Bond
Oh boy, the feeling of assuming you’re closer with a total stranger than you actually are... There's a nice moment that immediately sours. You know, when you try to help someone out and end up insulting their most significant life choices? Or, and I’m not saying this from experience, but when you say something you assume will be totally appreciated but is actually an inadvertent insult? Nothing makes you wish humans had evolved with anxiety in mind and walked around with hermit crab-style shells like that kind of shame. It’s that shock of your best intentions really offending someone and maybe you’d hack out your own lung if it meant this stranger would forgive you. Parties: the only field of landmines that comes with an open bar.

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